Yippie!!

It's time to have one of those daft forum competitions that makes you appreciate why being a Tazbar forum member is better than a Sunday afternoon spent with the Mother in law!

We thought that as the better weather lies ahead we would give away something sporting and outdoors.

So the prize is........... drum roll......... A Full set of Ryder Golf Clubs and bag.

Now then... For everyone who says.... I hate Golf... Just look at it as a freebie that you can sell again again on Tazbar and earn a few quid!

If you are overseas (we can't post this huge parcel abroad) then we will replace the prize with a full years level one free membership.

So here goes.

Here is the set.

How cool is that?

A bag with legs...

9 x Irons

3 x metal woods

1 x snazzy putter

Some sock thingy's to go over the metal woods.

 No balls included!!!

Before you ask what is a metal wood... Don't be silly... its obvious....its a metal wood.... a wood made out of metal..... Hmmmmm....moving on.

How do you enter and how do you win?

This is a competition for the best joke!

All you need to do is to add your Joke to this thread. Maximum 3 jokes per user account... (work the rules out for yourself)

Tazbar staff and family can't enter as they have no sense of humor.

Here's the catch though on the 4th April the Moderators will judge the best joke and pick the winner.

So start posting your jokes,  Nothing too rude mind!!!!

Regards Lee

Boring stuff below...

No staff or tazbar family members can enter.

3 entries per user account.

No cash value is offered and a cash replacement will not be given.

Winner must claim their prize within 14 days of the notification email being sent out.

Tazbar reserves the right to remove jokes that are deemed offensive.

If the winner resides outside of the UK the prize will be replaced with a 12 month free level one subscription.

The judges decision is final.

All bribe cheques made out to "Lee"

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

I know I'm not allowed to win, but then I wouldn't expect to win with a joke this poor

Please keep in contact with me on Twitter ----- also on FaceBook

OMG - Ush is going to judge a competition!  God help us all

Any chance of offering Mr Simpson (minus shirt obviously) as a runner up prize.... no idea why I'm asking as it's a standing joke in my house that I only know one joke... and it's not actually funny!

*wanders off to phone a friend*
 

Handcrafted jewellery and gifts from the Caribbean listings

My Items - No Items Listed

Q. WHATS AN IG....

A. AN ESKIMOS HOME WITH NO TOILET.....

The Boss needed to call an employee at home about a problem at work. He dialled the number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked "Yes" whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" "no" whispered the small voice. Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult the boss asked "Is your mummy there?" "Yes" "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice answered "No".

Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message he said "Is anybody else there?" "Yes" whispered the child "A policeman." Wondering why a copper should be at his employees home the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman?" "No he's busy" the small voice answered. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to mummy daddy and the Fireman." the child whispered. Growing concerened, even worried, as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the Phone the boss asked "What is that noise?" "A Hello-copter" came the answer. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed. In an awed whisper the child answered "The search team just landed the Hello-copter" growing increasingly alarmed and a little frustrated the boss asked "what are they searching for?" Still whispering, the little voice replied with a muffled giggle ... "ME"
 

TazbarUsher:

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

 

I know I'm not allowed to win, but then I wouldn't expect to win with a joke this poor

PMSL

wizthebest:

Can we choose the membership instead of the golf clubs ?

Sure. I don't see why not...

Lee

lee:

wizthebest:

Can we choose the membership instead of the golf clubs ?

Sure. I don't see why not...

Lee

can we choose dinner at the ivy in london for 2 if i win please

Wizthebest - Joke 1

*During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.*

*'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the Bathtub.'*

*'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'*

*'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'*

My Items - No Items Listed

Can employees enter this one?

Boring stuff below...

No staff or tazbar family members can enter.

My Items - No Items Listed

All childrens Chipmunks are on special offer at the moment £7.99 including postage.

Ken
For Low Cost Prints and Affordable Originals, Click the Logo

Click to see Great Art

  Number 1

      THE WIDOW AND THE RANCH HAND

>

>

>       A successful rancher died and left everything

>

>       to his devoted wife.

>

>       She was a very good-looking woman and

>

>       determined to keep the ranch, but knew very

>

>       little about ranching, so she decided to place

>

>       an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

>

>       Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay

>

>       and the other a drunk.

>

>       She thought long and hard about it, and when

>

>       no one else applied s he decided to hire the

>

>       gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him

>

>       around the house than the drunk.

>

>       He proved to be a hard worker who put in long

>

>       hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

>

>

>       For weeks, the two of them worked, and the

>

>       ranch was doing very well.

>

>

>

>       Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the

>

>       hired hand, "You have done a really good job,

>

>       and the ranch looks great.

>

>       You should go into town and kick up your heels."

>

>

>

>       The hire d hand readily agreed and went into

>

>       town one Saturday night.

>

>

>       On e o'clock came, however, and he didn't

>

>       return. Two o'clock and no hired hand.

>

>       Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he

> found the rancher's widow

>

>       sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

>

>       waiting for him.

>

>

>       She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my

>

>       blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he

>

>       did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

>

>       He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now

>

>       take off my socks."

>

>

>       He removed each gently and placed them

>

>       neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

>

>       He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching

>

>       her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."

>

>       Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was

>

>       told and dropped it to the floor.

>


>

>       Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever

>

>       wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Three tortoise, Joe, Steve and Bert, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with biscuits, crisps, sandwiches and bottles of beer. The trouble is the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the tortoise take 10 whole days to get there.

By the time they arrive, everyone is very tired and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He gets to the beer and then remembers that they had forgotten to bring the bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Bert to fetch it from home, but Bert flatly refuses, knowing they will eat everything before he gets back.

After 2 hours the tortoise manage to convince Bert to go, swearing on their great grandfathers graves that they won't touch the food. So Bert sets off, slow and steady.

Twenty days pass, no sign of Bert. Joe and Steve are puzzled and very hungry but a promise is a promise. Another day passes and still no Bert, but a promise is a promise. After 3 more days without a sign of Bert, Steve starts to get frantic  ' I NEED FOOD' he says with a hint of desperation in his voice.

'NO!' Joe says ' We promised'

Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Bert probably has done a runner to the McDonalds down the road, so the two tortoise weakly lift the lid, get out a sandwich and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant Bert pops up from behind a rock

'JUST FOR THAT, I'M NOT GOING'

Pop in and take a look at my listings

Ok entry number two

A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house:  "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff"

Ken
For Low Cost Prints and Affordable Originals, Click the Logo

Click to see Great Art

No 2

I'll be barred for this one ,but I pmsl.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She is chatting to St. Peter

at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful

blood-curdling screams.

"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's just someone

having the holes bored in their shoulder blades for the wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the

conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.

"Oh my goodness," says the old lady, "now what's happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "they are just having their head

drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm off down to hell."

''You can't go there," says St. Peter, "you'll be raped and

sodomized."

"Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes

for that!"

number 2

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
 surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
 
 

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
 happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
 Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
 

 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
 expecting you.'
 
 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did
 you  know babies are my specialty?'
 
 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
 have a seat'.
 

 After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
 
 'Leave everything to me.

I usually try two in the bathtub, one on
 

 the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
 floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
 

 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry
 and me!'
 

 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if
 we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
 I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
 
 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
 
 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
 be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with
 that.'
 
 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
 
 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of
 his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
 
 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
 
 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider
 their mother was so difficult to work with.'
 
 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
 
 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
 job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get  a
 good look'
 
 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
 amazement.
 
 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours,too.
 The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
 concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
 Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to
pack it all in.'

 Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on
 your,

 uh...equipment?'
 
 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
 and we can get to work right away.'

 'Tripod?'

 
 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
 
 much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 And that's when Mrs. Smith fainted

Okay - here's my entry No. 1

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables. He picked up a CD player to place in his sack, when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark, saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The same kind of people that would name a pit bull Jesus."

Entry No. 2!

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano seat, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just one wish ~ each person is only allowed one!'

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.  Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'

'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Here's my 2nd entry

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered,

 "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

Pop in and take a look at my listings

Just chipping in here.

You are all mad..

Sorry it has to be said

LOL...

Keep the jokes coming!

Lee

  No 3

 And if some pratt reports this as being racist this time I have one thing to say ,GET A LIFE IT'S A JOKE EVEN THOUGH ITS TRUE !!!!! IN FACT GET A LIFE.

Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Classes for Men

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders? Roundtable discussion.

Topic 3 - How to fight cerebral atrophy: Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered.

Topic 4 - Fundamental differences between the laundry hamper and the floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5 - The after-dinner dishes and silverware: Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6 - Loss of identity: Losing the remote to your significant other. Helpline support and support groups.

Topic 7 - Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

Topic 8 - Health watch: Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. Graphics and audio tape.

Topic 9 - Real men ask for directions when lost. Real life estimonials.

Topic 10 - Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

Topic 11 - Learning to live: Basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

Topic 12 - How to be the ideal shopping companion. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

**Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.**

And here's my entry no. 3

A Personnel Manager (or perhaps I should be more trendy and say a Human Resources Manager) died and ended up at the pearly gates. St Peter said to her "You have two options. We can either admit you straight away here into heaven, or, if you would prefer, you can view both heaven and hell before you make up your mind." She thought about it for a few minutes and opted to view both before she made up her mind. No harm in keeping your options open, she thought.

St Peter called an angel to show her around heaven first. They had a walk around and there were lots of people hanging out on fluffy white clouds, playing harps, smiling, not doing an awful lot, but generally looking pretty happy. The angel then took her to the lift which went down to hell and told her that Satan would meet her at the other end so she could view hell.

Sure enough, when the doors of the lift opened, there was Satan waiting to give her the guided tour. As they went through the doors to hell, Satan took her to the first area, where a group of people were having a dinner party. They were all laughing and joking and the food was fit for kings it was such a banquet. Then Satan took her to the outdoor relaxation area. Beautiful green fields, with trees and gardens led down to a beach area. All around, people were making the most of the beautiful sunshine – sunbathing, swimming in the sea, having picnics in the fields. Finally, Satan showed her the indoor relaxation area. A spa, with natural bubbling springs to soak in, massage tables, beauty treatments – all were full with people making the most of the facilities.

Okay, said Satan. Time to go back to St Peter and let him know what you want to do.

St Peter met her once again and asked her if she had made up her mind which she would prefer – heaven or hell. “Not being funny,” she said “but I think I’d prefer hell, actually. They were having a great time down there and there is so much going on. Up here, it all seems a bit boring – nice, but boring.” “Fair enough,” says St Peter and puts her back in the lift to go down to hell.

When she gets there, the doors open, and Satan greets her with “Okay, there’s the furnace you’ll be stoking over there.” “What?” she replied. “Furnace?? What happened to the beach and the spa and all those people enjoying themselves???”

“Ahh”, said Satan. “That was when we were recruiting you......”.