i am always getting jokes and funny things sent to me so thought i would share.
hope this works
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and another
> You've heard about people who have been abducted and had their kidneys> removed by black-market organ thieves.>> My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. I> went to sleep and woke up with someone else's thighs. It was just that> quick. The replacements had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Whose thighs> were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking > for> my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my > life> in jeans. And then the thieves struck again.>> My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took> pains to match my new rear-end to the thighs they had stuck me with> earlier. But my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my> original! I realized I'd have to give up my jeans in favor of long > skirts.> Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was> fixing my hair and was horrified to see the flesh of my upper arm swing > to> and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary -> my body was being replaced one section at a time. What could they do to > me> next?>> When my poor neck suddenly disappeared and was replaced with a > turkey> neck, I decided to tell my story. Women of the world, wake up and smell > the> coffee! Those 'plastic' surgeons are using REAL replacement body parts> -stolen from you and me! The next time someone you know has something> 'lifted', look again - was it lifted from you?>> THIS IS NOT A HOAX.> This is happening to women everywhere every night.>> WARN YOUR FRIENDS!>> P. S. Last year I thought some one had stolen my Boobs. I was lying> in bed and they were gone! But when I jumped out of bed, I was> relieved to> see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep> them hidden in my waistband.>> Thought this was too 'important' not to pass on Have a wonderful day> - with a joy filled heart>> These same thieves come in my closet and shrink my clothes! How do> they do it????>>>
You gotta love this one!!
A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one
Night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gun wharf Quay. As she
Stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?’ he asked.’ Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge.’ Look, nothing's worth that.
..... I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off to Australia tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean? You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found’. The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked heron board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her life boat every night, bringing food
and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded
an explanation. The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Australia.
One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food
and water every night and he's screwing me.'The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied, 'He certainlyis love. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry.'
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from Mississippi arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.'
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, Southern Girl needs new clothes!'
As the dice bounced and came to a stop, she jumped up-and- down and squealed 'YES! YES! I WON! I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers...and then picked up her winnings, and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know... I thought you were watching.'
Moral of the story - (1) Not all Southerners are stupid. (2) Not all blondes are dumb. (3) But all men... are men
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A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a broom and said,
"Son, your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."
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1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work. 2. The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals. 3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere. 4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D. 5. You get winded playing cards. 6. You join a health club and don't go. 7. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions. 8. You look forward to a dull evening. 9. You need glasses to find your glasses. 10. You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
psml @ you lot
Books,that is brilliant
Thanks for making me smile guys
debs
xxx
WARNING
ANYONE OF A DELICATE DISPOSITION PLEASE LEAVE THIS POSTING NOW
BUT FOR ALL OTHERS
An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphilis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir" "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir." "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."
brill
love it
Prince Charles has a royal visit to a mental institution,as he wanders about he meets a man who is banging his head against the wall,the prince politly says hello and wanders on to the next patient.
He see's a man wth a hat on and an arm inside his coat,the prince ask's his name and he replies"i'm Lord Nelson !,ok he says and shakes his hand.Then,he wanders to the next patient
He see's a man with his "richard" in a jacobs tin,he ask's why he's there and the patient replies....
I'm furking crackers!