---

Regards Tony Bridger

Please keep in contact with me on Twitter ----- also on FaceBook

The Banana Test
There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,
a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel , who pass by.
They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.
Who do you guess will win?
Your answer will reflect your personality. !
So think carefully and try and answer within 30 seconds
Got your answer?
Now scroll down to see the analysis.


























If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax!

---

My Items - No Items Listed

A man walking along a california beach was deep in prayer.

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice

the lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways

I will grant you one wish.

 

The man said " build a bridge to hawaii so i can drive over anytime I want"

 

The lord said "your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges

for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the

pacific! the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify

your desire for wordly things... "take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

 

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said "Lord, I wish that I could understand women.

I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment

why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing' and how I can make a woman truly happy"

 

The lord replied "you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

---

My forum

http://bargainshop.proboards.com

 A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

---

My forum

http://bargainshop.proboards.com

A guy is driving around Yorkshire and he sees a sign in front of a
house:  "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells
him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting
there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when
I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country
to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no
one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job
at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near
suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog. 
£10, the guy says.

"£10? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff"

---

Ken
For Low Cost Prints and Affordable Originals, Click the Logo

Click to see Great Art

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid says, "I want to go to Disneyland."

Bush says, "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid says, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."

Bush says, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!!"

The third kid says, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV and stereo headset!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!!!"

---

My forum

http://bargainshop.proboards.com

hello everyone

i just had to add this one

 

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is composed of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.

"Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.

"Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.

The sixth floor sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 6,875,953,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

---

---

Please take a look at my items

Only in the UK.

   Only in the UK...can a pizza get to your house faster than an

   ambulance...

   Only in the UK...are there disabled parking places in front of a an ice 

   skating rink...

   Only in the UK...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fries,

   and a diet coke...

   Only in the UK...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the

   pens to the counters...

   Only in the UK...do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the

   drive and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

   Only in the UK...do we use answering machines to screen calls and

   then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't

   want to talk to in the first place...

   Only in the UK.... has the whole country gone metric but still buy eggs by  the dozen...

   Only in the UK...do we use the word "politics" to describe the

   process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning

   "blood-sucking creatures"...

---

Pop in and take a look at my listings

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them 'Can I have a skip
outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes
first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.

I have loads more cheesy ones, after all they're always the best, but we're only allowed 3!!

---

 

JOKE 1

A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"

"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"

"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."

 

JOKE 2

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?", asked the doctor."

"No, from all that skipping."

 

 JOKE 3

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me."

Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?"

"Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

---

Come "n" See My
Craft Listings..By Clicking on Banner.

Here's my second try

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

---

Pop in and take a look at my listings

#1)

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

 

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

 

A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

 

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, 'I'll take him and him and him!

 

---

#2)

 Tool Definitions

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW S**T...."

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often tool used by all women.

 

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija Board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

 

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

 

RADIAL ARM SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

 

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge.  More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

 

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans.  It is sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads.  It is also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.  It is especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

 

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

---

#3)

Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand.  Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by bride. 

 

The father could feel the suspense in the air and knowing that all eyes were upon him to divulge the secret and say something. Therefore, he announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life."

 

Then he raises his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, "My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me."

 

The whole audience including priest started laughing.

 

For some strange reason, the poor groom didn't.

 

---

Ok number two from me.

A man arrived at the pearly gates was greeted by St Peter and given a
cloud to sit on and a harp to play. After some time he spotted another larger
cloud with a swimming pool, a bar, a buffet and other attractions asking if he
could go there he was told no because that was in fact Hell.

More time passed and he was becoming bored of his harp and his small
cloud and the attractions of the larger cloud became increasingly appealing.
Eventually he could stand it no longer and leaped onto the larger cloud only to
fall straight through it into the torments of the fiery furnace of hell.

Dismayed he asked a passing fiend what was the large cloud with the
swimming pool and assorted attractions. To which the fiend replied:
"That's our Marketing Department!"

Government Health Warning: For amusement only. No reliance should be
placed on the theology of this story.

---

Ken
For Low Cost Prints and Affordable Originals, Click the Logo

Click to see Great Art

---

Please Click the Link below to go to one of my 4 Ebid Store's.

./seller/STARLADY22">

Ok No:2

 A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
 The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

 

 

Jane
 

---

Please Click the Link below to go to one of my 4 Ebid Store's.

./seller/STARLADY22">

ok my number 2 joke

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. 

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. 




An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. 

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. 

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.' 

 

 

 

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'

---

Please take a look at my items

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. ( Boy does this sound familiar! )

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

(True Story) I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!

---

My Items - No Items Listed

How to improve sales:
 
A young Geordie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Eye man, I was a canny salesman back in Newcastle."
The manager liked the Geordie so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Geordie said "Just the one, Marra."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?
"£124,237.64" replied the Geordie.
The manager choked and exclaimed "£124,237.64, what the hell did you sell him?"
 
"Well, forst I selt him a smaal fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I selt him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was gannin' fishing and he said doon at the coast, so I telt him he would need a boat, so we went doon tiv the boat department and I selt him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him doon tiv the car sales and I selt him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".
 
The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and 4x4?"
 
"Ner, nah......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his ladyfriend and I said......... 'Well, since ya weekend's f**ked, you might as well gan fishing."

---

My Items - No Items Listed

I thought I posted my No3 earlier but it seems to have vanished so here we go again.

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that
could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an fat old
lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed  a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into  a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small
circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up
again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

---

Ken
For Low Cost Prints and Affordable Originals, Click the Logo

Click to see Great Art

my 3rd attempt

 

An elderly lady had stopped to pull into a parking space when a young

man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she

was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to

the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man was a real smart

aleck and he said, "That's what you can do when you're young and

bright."

Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and

backed it up and then she floored the accelerator and ploughed right into his

Mercedes. The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do

that for?" The little old lady smiled and told him,

 
''Thats what you can do when you're old and rich!"

---

Pop in and take a look at my listings

My 3rd joke

 

 

---

Please Click the Link below to go to one of my 4 Ebid Store's.

./seller/STARLADY22">

This competition is now closed and the winner will be announced later

---

Regards Tony Bridger

Please keep in contact with me on Twitter ----- also on FaceBook

Katie and the Mods have made their decision and the wimnner is

rh951

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex

Nope, no more booze for me

Sorry, but you're not really my type

Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight

---

Regards Tony Bridger

Please keep in contact with me on Twitter ----- also on FaceBook

well done rh951!

the pack will be posted first class on monday

---

Congrats!

Dennis

---

Many thanks for choosing my joke as the winning entry, of course I had no idea as to the content of the joke.

I'M SURE I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT IS DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK hic!!!

 

 

---

Pop in and take a look at my listings

off course not we believe you

congratulations

---

Please take a look at my items

Congratulations RH951

 

Jane 

---

Please Click the Link below to go to one of my 4 Ebid Store's.

./seller/STARLADY22">